Charlie Brown lives !

I was perusing some of the photo galleries on NFL dot com the other day and it struck me. It was a gallery of players from the 60’s and 70’s. I forget the theme but there was something almost all of the players pictured had in common: The spikes. The gridiron footwear of the day was notable by the white collar or belt or whatever the hell you’d call it around the opening of the shoe. It was such a cool look and it made me wonder why or when it faded away. I can’t recall any other sport having footwear sporting that look. That distinctive feature, to me then and now, just says “football”. Simple, macho, functional, and just a perfect match to the any uniform look as well as the game. In just this one instance, and to a much lesser degree I’m sure, I think I can understand chicks and their relationship to shoes. There’s a little man love there.I recently purchased a square toed kicking shoe from one of the online kicking sites and I’m thrilled with it. I only get out to the field once a month or so to kick a few but it’s a vast improvement over the black construction boot I’d been using. I used a grinder to make the front of that more or less square but the real deal is well… the real deal. It’s plain black, the only marking being the “Strider” brand name in white at the top of the long tongue but you don’t even really see that as its long and made to fold over when in use. It’s cool in a simple Mark Mosely, Jerry Kramer kind of way but after looking at the old shoe pictures, I know I’m going to have to paint an imitation white collar around the opening of the shoe.I started going out to kick a few years back because all my football friends are so old and lazy that while I can get them to show up to watch a game and stuff their faces with boatloads of artery clogging snack foods it’s almost impossible to get them to go out and throw the ball around. So I had to find something football related I could do alone. And kicking dovetailed nicely with my other obsession in that it puts my collection of footballs to some practical use. I tried soccer style but I’m from a generation that didn’t grow up with soccer and when I tried my knee joint got loose so I decided to go with throwback Tom Dempsey technique. Only without the stump foot and steel plate.What I hadn’t anticipated was the raw joy. No I’m not talking about making a 47-yarder. I can’t do that. Making shorter ones is fun for sure but I’m not talking about that either. Allow me to explain. My friend Doug is a sports fanatic. He’s also a hermit and is almost impossible to get him out of his house. Crowbars, threats, promises of hookers and booze have all been tried to no avail. However he will inexplicably show up once in a blue at the field when I tell him I’m going out to kick a few. The field we kick at is the only place in town with goalposts but it’s in a bit of a valley with poor drainage so more often than not the field is more like a swamp. This is ok by me since mud and dirt is a favored part of the whole nostalgic experience. About a week ago Doug defied the Vegas odds-makers by leaving his apartment and showing up at the field. My heart was warmed when he arrived sporting his latest Jersey which he proudly showed off to me. It was a Staubach jersey from Roger’s college days at the Naval academy. Authentic, top of the line, beautiful in every detail. I was both happy for him, thrilled at the rarity and insanely jealous. I was a Cowboy fan during the Staubach era and loved Roger the Dodger as much as I loved scrambling Viking/Giant, Fran Tarkenton. The scramblers were my favorites. Any way we got down to business and I put the first kick through the uprights warming up from extra point distance. Doug claimed he could hear a more distinctive thud from the power of my fancy new kicking shoe. I was duly proud. He then lined up on the swampy turf, focused and started his approach. He then proceeded to pull the most beautiful, form perfect Charlie Brown you ever saw. There was no Lucy yanking the ball away and the kick may even have been good but I can’t remember because I was doubled over in laughter a nanosecond after watching his plant foot slip, then seeing him hang in the air perfectly horizontal for a fraction of a second before slamming into the swampy mud and grass with a big wet thud. I saw how he tried in vain to hold his head out of the mud and how it snapped back coming to rest an inch deep in the muck. I couldn’t stop laughing and it only got worse when he struggled to his feet and I saw how the entire back of his beautiful new jersey and the back of his hat were covered in mud. I’ve recounted the tale a dozen times but even now I’m laughing again just picturing it. This is the unexpected raw joy I’m talking about. If you recall my first column about how all real men love violence you’ll agree that this was just a real bonus to a day out at the field. Incredibly, he did the same thing a few months ago but as good as that was, he didn’t have a fancy, squeaky clean, brand new jersey on to make it a peak viewing experience for yours truly. To his credit he insisted we check out the other end of the field and it was indeed less muddy and he did manage to play through his pain and continue kicking for the next forty five minutes. He even posed for a picture with me pointing at his muddy back. Ahhh,… good times.

Anywhooo, back to the old shoes. Research is definitely in order. First, what is the name of that feature? My long and extensive research* into the field of football fashion has taught me new words such as “gusset” and “the double panel look” and I just know there’s some weird name for this…. thing. Second, who made the shoe? Seems to me that when a team sports a throwback uniform from that era it would be a nice detail touch to include the coolest most sport specific spike ever to grace a field of play. Those photo galleries are a godsend. The archives of the league just amaze me and make me thankful that these pictures finally have an outlet for the unwashed fashion-history hungry masses of which I am proud to be among. What’s that? Spotted or suspect more improper grammar? Fuck you, this is a man site. We don’t do grammar here. And yes I am going to work that line into every column. I just like saying it.The other thing that struck me was the poses these players would assume for the bubble gum card pics or maybe they were even official team pics. I wouldn’t be surprised if these shots were used for game programs. I wish I could see how they did some of those. The hiesman types I could imagine, but some of the others I can’t. I would dearly love to see video footage of the photo sessions. This must have been a situation ripe for laughter and goofing around. Hell even the rag tag collection of drunks I call friends inevitably have a few laughs every year at the paper football tournament trying to recreate the poses. It’s one of those things that never stops being funny no matter how many times you pull it out of the old comedic bag of tricks. Kind of like “Me love you long time” or “Me so horny” See, I can’t even type those phrases without smiling. It’s as dependable a reflex as the old little rubber hammer to the patella tendon.I’ve been told by the fashion commission that a trampoline was used in some of these sessions and that only reinforces my beliefs that these photo shoots must have been more fun than listening to Shannon Sharpe give his commentary with that Cosby kid voice while everyone else on the set struggles to keep a straight face. Now can you imagine how funny a bloopers outtake reel of the trampoline pose attempts gone wrong would be? If anyone out there has any more information on these topics or knows anyone involved with them please forward them to us here and football fashion command central and we will have soon have teams of researchers working around the clock to bring you even more pointless but hopefully entertaining trivia on the subjects. Ken
P.S. Full disclosure *(by long and extensive research I mean listening to Rich and then asking him “What the hell does that word mean?” or (pointing) “What do you call this?”)