From the Grinch to the Ginch

I wanted to do a little bit on sideline reporters. Particularly that one that looks like Underdogs girlfriend Sweet Polly Purebread. The cartoon is Underdog so all the main characters are animated dogs, so even if Polly is sweet and Pure she is a dog. Need I say more? Then there's the one that resembles the 7 that bartends at your local dive. Michelle something or other I think is the name of that sad excuse for sideline snizz. She resembles that bartender. You know the one I'm talkin' about. She works at the place that sucks but it's walking distance so going there means you don't have to worry about driving home. You rarely go to the miserable hole in the wall and you rarely think about her but on the odd occasion that you end up there she might be the only thing in possesion of two x chromosones and if the tube is showing some of that Olympic crap with 12 year old children twirling sticks with ribbons attached... well, what's a guy supposed to do with his eyes?


6 or 8 beers later she's lookin' downright doable and you're looking forward to her walking to the other end of the bar so you can stare at her 7 ass which has, through the magic of alcohol, become an 8 and a 1/2 ass. It, of course, goes nowhere because she's already got you pegged as a loser for being there at all and doing a poor job of hiding your staring at her female parts every chance you get. The next day the whole thing will be forgotten and you'll feel no inclination to go back and indeed wonder why you didn't just go home earlier.

My point is ... what the hell are women of this caliber doing on all the big NFL broadcasts? I don't want my sideline updates from some "gal" with real sports knowledge. I want a broad so hot she makes my eyeballs melt and my pulse race at first site. I don't care if she gets all here commentary fed to her through an earpiece. The broadcasts are already loaded with authentic expert commentary. Do we really need to pretend the sideline reporter is anything more than eye candy? Can't I just have my 15 second sexual fantasy with a desireable woman before we get back to the action on the field? Is that too much to ask?

It irks me everytime. So I decided to go look for a picture or two of these two woofers but when I type in sideline reporters, you know what I get? This

Yeah, thats right. She doesnt look like Underdogs girlfriend does she? And how about this one?

She also came up under "sideline reporter" .... Want a few more?So where is the 7 in that crowd I ask you? Why aren't any of these obviously talented sports professionals trading witty barbs with Goose 'n Moose? Why aren't Madden, Micheals and Dierdof and Simms calling their numbers? Can't someone start a petition to can Michelle whats her name and Sweet Polly purebread? If they can take the time to redesign the NFL logo, ball, change instant replay rules, dream up new ways to turn fans upside down and shake more money out of them through PSL's, surely they can correct/improve this aspect of the viewing experience. Can I get an amen?

Today I became a true Jet fan

Grinch steals Jet fan hope.

The Jets lead the division but this is how I feel about our season.




Full disclosure: I didn't even see the game. I have NFL gamepass and with the top shelf option that means access to all games. I originally thought that I'd watch every Jet game this season but being on the euro side of the Atlantic means a 4 oclock game in the states starts at 10pm for me.

This didn't seem like much of an impediment in theory but I foolishly overlooked the fact that I'm an old man with a three month old infant and a nine year old (plus some kids from my ex's life before me) So being sleep deprived and having to wake up early every day and deal with infant, sleep deprived partner, getting kids ready for school etc the whole idea of staying up till 1am on a Sunday evening just didn't survive the first encounter with reality.
Even my strong desire to see all this seasons games could not exceed my desire for the sweet release and refuge of the scant sleep available. And so each week I pray the Jets have a 1 oclock game or I have to make plans to watch the archived version the following day.... if I haven't seen the score or if I have and it's a game I still want to watch.

It was with a heavy heart that I hit the hay last night as I really really wanted to see the Jets redeem themselves after last weeks Bronco loss. Last weeks loss was easily written of as par for the course for Gang Green. I mean, it wouldn't be the Jets without the requisite inappropriate loss at regular intervals and since the Pats also lost we were still in first place yadda yadda yadda.
I figured it was a well timed wake up call to prevent cockiness seeping in, to keep us sharp for our turn at a cinderella march to the Super Bowl. Then I woke up this morning, clicked my browser on which of course has the NFL.com set as home page and saw that the Niners had beaten us.


My first reaction was "Well, I guess two weeks ago when an all NY Super Bowl was the topic dujour, was the high point of the season"

This sounds rational enough no? It sounds like a normal innocuous response right? Wrong! Suddenly I had a blinding flash of realization that the Jet lifer body snatchers had finally gotten to me. Just like that I'd given up on the season. Without preplanning or forethought, I'd reached the conclusion that the appearance of great things to come would be as good as it would get. There was the towel flying through the air in slow motion, on its way to the canvas in the middle of the ring way before my fighter even had a chance to struggle to his feet. For ten year now I'd resisted adopting the bone-deep bitter stance and attitude of most of my fellow Jet fans friends who were lifers and seemed to crumble into a sobbing heap of wailing flailing flesh at the first sign of trouble in any given season. Indeed, on any given Sunday, like dogs that have been beat to much they would seem to "spend half their lives just a-coverin' up"

But there I was. An objective look at the standings would show that due to our in division record we are in fact still in first place in the division. Repeat: Jets in first place in the AFC east in Week 14. True, its a three way tie in an excitingly tight division race in which we own the tie breakers right now but there I was, slime still dripping off me from the pod, deciding that the season would be all downhill from here.
I wasn't wailing flailing or sobbing yet but I'd let my mind make that Jet fan suicidal lemming-leap nonetheless. I desperately thought about sliding back into the body snatchers pod and trying to psychic-ly reverse the process through sheer force of will. This couldn't really be happening! I could just picture my bitter Jet bretheren looking at me with that blank stare and saying in that monotone "Now you are one of us. Come on lets watch the game" I would be led to a spot on the couch and much like a passenger on a doomed Jet, would spend the rest of my football watching days raising my seatback, slapping my tray table up and leaning forward into that crash position at the first penalty or turnover for the rest of my days.

I didn't want it to end like this. I really didn't. I never thought they'd get me. I wasn't one of them. I was a modern era Jet fan you understand. I only came onboard when Parcells took over the controls in 98. I didn't come with that baggage of 30 years of heartbreak after the franchises one brief shining moment. It couldn't happen to me.
And still it did. I stood there like the Grinch watching the Who's celebrate down in Whoville without their pantoozlers and wuffles... puzzling and puzzling till my puzzler was sore.
Oh well... I never thought I'd be old enough to pull my elsatic waist band up to mid spare tire either.

On the bright side if we do make a Fairy Tale march through January, I will celebrate with my Jet fan friends not as a newcomer or an outsider. No... for better or worse, I have become that which I have feared and looked upon with pity and contempt, I am now a true Jet fan.

Ken